Sunday 15th June

I recently interviewed the Shatner himself, and here's what he had to say in response to my questions.

*

Tony: So Bill, what do you think of people calling you William Fucking Shatner?

Well, I have to say... I am... shocked...

Tony: Sorry Bill, we don't have the time to hear you finish the sentence. I have a macaroni cheese in the microwave on a three minute timer.

Oh. Well, you know... food does... take... precedent... why I have a really... funny story about macaroni cheese... and a pint of goats... milk... whilst on holiday in...

Tony: Anyway, Bill, did you read the recent web article that you're an over-bloated bulbous water baloon head who has no appreciation, whatsoever, for the fans that keep your bank balance up?

I was not aware.

Tony: Aware of what?

I was not aware... of such hostility out there... for such a man... like me...

Tony: Like you? Can you go deeper with that? What do you mean like you?

You know... me being the template for which... all men should strive to meet.

Tony: Really? You believe that???

Sure. And I would like to take the oppurtunity right now... to say that... it hurts my weak old heart... to hear bad things about myself. Because, you know, I honestly don't know what I'm doing most of the time.
I wander through this life... like... like...

Tony: Spill it out, would you? Aren't you the official web representation of Shatner?

I just... I'm stuck for words... you hear me crying? I weep, Tony... I weep.

Tony: Sure you do. Tell that to the schmucks who paid for your shitty book and then got fobbed off without even a glance from you. How do you answer for that???

Again, I... I'm just...

Tony: How about an example, Bill? This comes from that web page. You know the one.

"One perturbed fan actually yelled out to the back of his inflated head, "Hey, Shatner! You 'Get a Life'!" The crowd was in accordance. We had all just been taken."

So how do you explain away that? You ripped these people off, didn't you?

Why those fuckers! I'll kill 'em! I'm gonna tear off their heads and shit down their throats! You just wait!
Nobody!
NOBODY!!!
Nobody fucks with the Shat!!!

Tony: Excuse me?

Ooh... (rubs foreheard) I don't know where I am...

*

So that's where I cut my interview short. I was troubled by Shatner's inconsistency in both his behaviour, and his ability to answer simple and straight forward questions.

I guess the best advice to give, would be to


AND SCREAM LIKE BLOODY MURDER!!!

Shatner has agreed to keep on writing for me in my diary, however, despite his apparent fractured mind and shaky hands.

I sweat.

Look after each other.